What to Say: Conversation Scripts for Families of Trans and Gender-Diverse Kids

Finding the right words is often the hardest part. These scripts give you a starting point for common conversations about clothes, binders and identity. Change the words to sound like you.

A few things that help in any of these conversations

• Listen first. Let your child finish before you respond.
• Thank them for telling you. It often takes real courage to ask.
• It's OK not to have an answer yet. "I need a bit of time to think, and I'll come back to you by the weekend" is a fine reply, as long as you do come back.
• Check before sharing. Ask your child before you tell anyone else, even family.

When your child asks for a binder

If you're on board:

"Thank you for telling me. I want you to feel good in your body. Let's look into it together so we get one that fits properly and is safe to wear."

If you need time:

"I'm really glad you told me. I don't know much about binders yet, so I want to learn before we decide. Can we look at some information together this week?"

If you have safety worries:

"I want to make sure it's safe for you. How about we talk to the GP together, and work out how to wear one properly?"

Questions you could ask them:

• "What would a binder help with for you?"
• "Where would you want to wear it: school, out with friends, at home?"
• "Have you seen anything online about how to wear one safely? Can you show me?"

Avoid: "It's just a phase," "You're too young," or questions that make them justify who they are. Even if you're not ready to say yes, you can keep the conversation open.

When you're ready, a proper chest binder fitting helps.

When your child wants to choose different clothes

"Let's go shopping together and you pick. I'll help with sizes and budget, and you choose the style."

"Do you want to try some things at home first, or are you ready to wear them out?"

If you're worried about how others will react:

"I love that you want to wear this. I'm a bit worried about people being unkind. What would help you feel ready? Is there anything you'd like me to do?"

This keeps the focus on supporting them, not on stopping them. Your child usually knows a lot about where they feel safe.

Avoid: suggesting they only wear certain clothes "at home" unless that's what they want.

Talking to grandparents and extended family

Agree with your child first on what to share, and whether they want to be there for the conversation.

Before a visit, by phone or message:

"Before we come over, I wanted to let you know [name] is wearing different clothes now that feel more like them. It would mean a lot if you didn't make a big deal of it, and just told them they look great."

If you're sharing a new name or pronouns:

"[Name] is now going by [new name] and uses [pronouns]. We know it can take a while to get used to. If you slip up, just correct yourself and keep going."

If family push back:

"I understand this is new for you. You don't have to understand everything right away. What I'm asking is that you're kind to [name] when you see them."

"We're following our child's lead, with support from people who know about this. I'm happy to share some reading if you'd like."

If a gift doesn't fit who your child is:

"[Name] would love [specific item or gift card]. Thanks so much for asking."

You don't have to win every argument. Your job is to protect your child's day, which sometimes means a shorter visit.

Talking to the school, siblings and strangers

To the school, by email:

"Hi [name], I'd like to talk about some arrangements for [child] ahead of [the swimming carnival / camp / next term]. [Child] would like to wear [swimwear or uniform] and needs a private place to change. Could we have a quick chat this week? We'd like this kept to staff who need to know."

To a sibling who has questions:

"Your [brother/sister/sibling] is still the same person. They're just wearing clothes that feel more like them. It's OK to ask me questions, and it's OK to feel a bit confused."

Siblings can feel left out when a lot of attention goes to one child. Some one-on-one time helps.

To a stranger who comments in a shop or change room:

"We're fine, thanks." Then move on.

You don't owe strangers an explanation. Afterwards, check in with your child: "That was annoying. Are you OK?"

For teens

Asking a parent for a binder:

"Can I talk to you about something? I've been feeling uncomfortable about my chest, and I think a binder would really help. I've read about how to wear one safely. Can we look at it together?"

If talking face to face feels like too much, it's OK to write it in a message or a letter.

If they say no or "not yet":

"OK. Can we talk about it again soon? What would you need to know to feel OK about it?"

In the meantime, loose layers and patterned tops can help. Never bind with bandages or tape. They can hurt you.

When a friend asks about your clothes:

"I just like it, it feels more like me."

You can share as much or as little as you want. "I don't really want to talk about it" is a complete answer. 

If you'd like to talk to someone outside your family, QLife (1800 184 527, 3pm to 9pm) and Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800, any time) are free. We also have a more comprehensive list of trans support services here.