Exploration, mapping
Michelle started to suspect her child might not be one hundred per cent straight around the time they joined their school’s Pride club, began pointing out the gayness of rainbows, and developed crushes on gender-diverse characters.
“When they did feel comfortable to have that conversation with me, it wasn't a surprise necessarily” says Michelle.
For some people, gender is like a mountain – something to conquer step by step until their own personal pinnacle of manhood or womanhood is reached.
For Xanthe, their identity is something to wade into and explore, like the ocean.
“I'm still very much in the early stages of like experimenting and finding out what things feel right for me” they say.
Testing the waters
Many sea adventures start out on a sandy shore, but Xanthe’s journey began from being unsure.
“I felt like I was always trying to figure something out that was a little bit different [about me] from, like, quite a young age.”
“Looking back, there were just some little things – comments like “little girl” would bother me and I wouldn't like being called super gendered stuff. But I didn't really know how to describe it or put a label to it until quite recently.”
As these feelings continued to ebb and flow, a murky shape emerged. Much of Xanthe’s discomfort seemed to be related to gender. Moving away from what felt wrong toward what felt right helped Xanthe orient themselves, and a school drive for the World’s Greatest Shave gave them the opportunity to try something they’d been secretly wanting to do for years.
“For probably years now, I really wanted a really short haircut, but I've always been scared to cut my hair short for some reason. It’s just, what if I don't like it? What if I don't feel good with it?”
“And then I was like, well, my school's doing this thing. I can do it, and If I do [then] there's a reason that’s definitely worth it. As a bonus, if I like it, I'm like, ‘Yay, I found a new thing that I like.’ And if I don't, I'm like, ‘Oh well, I raised a bunch of money for people.’ And I'm like, ‘Might as well do it!’
“I'm glad I did it, though. I really like it.”
Michelle could see that Xanthe was trying to find their bearings, but it took a while before Xanthe was confident enough to open up.
“Just, like, saying it up front and, like, actually saying it was really nerve-wracking. So I knew she knew for like, 6 months or so before I actually told her. It was probably actually longer, but it was just a couple of things where I'm like, she can't, like, not see it at this point. So, I knew that she knew, but it was just something about saying the actual thing.”
“It was important to me that Xanthe got to tell me when they were ready,” says Michelle.
“There were all these little clues getting sort of dropped along the way, but I wasn't going to press it and be like, ‘you need to tell me this!’ because I fully appreciate it's a difficult thing to do. I wanted them to feel confident to do it and comfortable to do it when they were ready.”
The binder expedition
After an uncomfortable attempt at flattening their chest with tape, Xanthe tried buying a binder online before concluding that it was worth taking the time to find one that fit properly.
“We live in Canberra, there's nothing at this point in time that you can access in-person and go to a shop and try things on,” explains Michelle.
“I was a little bit concerned at that time about, I guess, the safety side of things, of not having a fitting. And so when [Xanthe] did a little bit of research online and found Transform I was like, ‘We're having a Melbourne trip, let’s talk to a real person, let's have a fitting.’”
“Kaz did a fitting for us, and we got that opportunity to try a few different products on and just make sure we had the right sizing.”
Getting a correctly sized binder gave Xanthe room to breathe – figuratively and literally.
“I don't know how to describe it, [having a flat chest] just feels right,” says Xanthe. “You can't really put it into words. It's just like a comfort thing.”
Trying out new pronouns and different names also helped Xanthe discover what felt most comfortable in themselves and around others.
By exploring those potential changes with friends, their partner, and close family, Xanthe found out that being called by gender neutral pronouns and their birth name felt most natural.
“Whenever someone, like, shows that they see me in a way that sort of aligns with how I see myself, that always makes me feel really good,” they say.
Michelle let Xanthe take the lead, but was always there to help when needed.
“Xanthe is sort of still exploring and trying things out, and I’m just here to help and support them along the way. I’m more than happy to look into those things and create those opportunities as they arise.”
Finding their way
Gender is complicated, but so is life in 2026, so Xanthe isn’t in a rush to figure it all out.
Teens have a reputation as know-it-alls, but Xanthe is more of a know-some-things-and-enjoy-finding-out-the-rest kind of kid.
“I only came to a term that fit me reasonably okay recently, so I've only started labelling myself as genderqueer within [the past] year or so,” says Xanthe.
That’s what they reckon is great about being gender diverse – nobody hands you a map, so you have to plot your own course.
“You don't have to go all in at once,” says Xanthe, “it's like baby steps. Just like try one thing at a time, and if it doesn't work go back a step and try something else.”
For Xanthe, X might gender-neutrally mark the spot for now, but the journey isn’t over yet. Beneath the surface of any label there’s still so much to explore.
